I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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