For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
