The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
