worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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