A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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