The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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