I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
