I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
