I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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