i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
