I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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