My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
