Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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