I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's always time for handjobs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
