I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You are a genius and a whore.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
