hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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