I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
