More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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