Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
