I wish I only lived at night.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
