I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
