I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
