She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
