8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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