EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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