I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
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I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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