u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
