chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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