There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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