i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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