my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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