i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
