I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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