gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
