We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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