I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
