i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
