When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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