my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
