took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
