I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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