my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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