I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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