I wish my penis had an off switch
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
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he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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