nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
