90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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