Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
im holly from the hills drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
