Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
