What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
