totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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