Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
