the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
