Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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