he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
