Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
