Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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