The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Are we still banned from the library?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
