college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
